Sunday, August 26, 2007

Agent Barbie, FBI

I have a client who resembles Barbie and packs iron. She's a Federal agent with the local "branch"....I massaged her trigger finger....

Just thought you punks should know.
I think I'm getting a little too much information about you...
Signed, Punk
August 26, 2007 10:41 PM

Volcanus Erruptus

I have this guy on the table the other day, and everything is going fine. He's an O.O.T. (out-of-towner) which means I'll probably never see him again. We get a lot fair number of these O.O.T.'s, which (as you can imagine) has it's "up" side.

Anyway, I'm working on his back when I notice a couple small anomalies. First, he has on one shoulder a mole the size of a pencil eraser. no big whoop: it looks healthy enough and there's no fear I might rip it off with my elbow or anything (which, by the way would NOT be good, as it might roll under the table somewhere. And the cleaning lady doesn't come til Thursday night).

On the opposite shoulder, in nearly the exact (symmetrically situated) is an old and festering blackhead, nearly the same size, as well. Now, granted, several things passed through my head, the prodominent thought being "Oh Lord...please don't pop on my watch". My mentor in school regailed us with a story about such a blackhead of mythical proportion and it DID pop, giving her some weird sense of satisfaction...Don't go there.

Well, I intentionally avoided it successfully, he flipped over, and here I am now reaching underneath him with one hand while working on his upper pectorals with the other when I brush up against what might be the mole, and what might be the blackhead....I rapidly put that visual in my head of up/down, left/right, trying to figure out that now he's been flipped, WHERE THE HELL IS THAT ZIT?

No harm, no foul. No evidance of poppage. Crisis averted!
EEEEEEWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!! You should alert us beforehand that a story might require waders to read and a shower afterward!

Clean & Wanting To Stay That Way

So, henceforth, please designate stories as either "WW" (wader-worthy), or "SR" (shower-required)... or both.

Clean & Wanting To Stay That Way
August 26, 2007 11:55 AM

Would there have been an extra charge for any poppage OR is it part of the deal? Thinking value-added services here.

~midwest marketing type
August 26, 2007 8:44 PM


Dear Midwest Marketing Type,
While I admire your tenacity and marketing savvy, I am not schooled in the ways of zit poppage, nor do I wish to be or I'd likely find myself rubber gloved and goggled, "extracting blemishes" a-plenty. Come to think of it...that's called "a facial" if memory serves...

Sunday, August 12, 2007

Lesbian For Hire

This woman calls the office the other day, requesting a male masseur.

"I'm sorry, we no longer have any male maasage therapists on staff here. Can I ask why you prefer a male? We have several qualified massage therapists available."

"I want a real massage, you know? Nothing fluffy", says she.
Ultimately, she decided to give me a try, and was sufficiently satisfied (and tipped well, to boot).

Having struggled a bit with dealing with this woman, and finding myself defending myself as a decent albeit female massage therapist, I relayed this story to a co-worker. She gave me permission to answer, "No ma'am, we do not have any men on staff, but we do have a lesbian available."

Wednesday, August 8, 2007

Hire me a Sherpa

While dodging fat folds during one recent session I wondered: which would be a more useful item, a gravedigger's 4-foot ladder, rock climbing equipment, night vision goggles (in the event of a full black-out) or a Sherpa? All useful in the event I go missing following a session where more than 50% of my hand goes missing into fat folds... Vote now or suggest your favorite.

William said...
How about a long stick and a barf bag.
August 9, 2007 1:58 PM

I say 'put on a full-body condom and just dive in' --he/she is bound to fart you out sooner or later...

Strangely Fascinated
August 24, 2007 3:01 PM

Sunday, August 5, 2007

Pervert foiled

I had a guy call my cell phone once, which is listed on my professional website AND on my business materials (cards, brochures, etc) because it IS my back-up contact. He calls and right away I get this feeling in my gut something's hinky. He's had professional massage before, he says. He's looking for Swedish massage to relax, he says. Oh--and what kind of oil do I use? He asks. Why? Queries I...Do you have any allergies? Wondering if it would be OK to use a little extra on the "parts" not covered by the massage after we're through?


After I calmly and firmly turn him down and make clear this is NOT a service I provide...he calls my other number! LMAO! He doesn't even disguise his voice or anything...What a nimrod!
'Curious In Chinatown said...

Friday, August 3, 2007

Farmer gets massage

Ok, recently this dude calls me, says his wife wants to reward him for working so hard. She wants to treat him to a Reflexology session, which I am trained to do. *In case you know nothing about reflexology, you are working primarily on the feet (and hands, ears)* Anyway, he shows up "showered"...Except it became clear he did a rush job becuase he still had grimes stuck to the backs of his knees, for example. his hair was wet; I prayed it was water, not sweat. I actually sniffed my hand LOL to make sure. His feet were so disgusting...stained, loose debri, the works. I had to keep a towel on my lap to keep wiping them off.

I said nothing, of course. I sometimes do a footbath prior to a reflexology session but didn't have it there this time. Unfortunatley.

In the end, he said he has received several massages in his lifetime and mine was the best he EVER had (quote). Probably because I kept my mouth shut.